5 Fundamental First Date Tips for Guys

 1. She’s Nervous Too

First Date Tips for GuysThe first thing you need to keep in mind is something that’s easy to forget, particularly for shy or introverted guys. When I was younger, I would get really nervous before a first date, and start obsessing over how to make a good impression:

“What am I going to wear? What am I going to say? How am I going to act?” The one thing I didn’t think much about? My date. And more specifically, what she might be thinking and feeling as she prepares for a first date.

Guys who feel nervous or even intimidated talking to women can often make the mistake of assuming that they’re the only ones who feel this way. If we think about other people’s thoughts and feelings at all, it’s usually only briefly, because we assume that they’re much more comfortable with social interaction and we’re the ones who are at some kind of social deficit. But the truth is that’s just our negativity bias getting the best of us.

According to Psych Central, a lot of people – maybe even 50% – consider themselves shy, meaning there’s a good chance that you’re not the only one feeling nervous about your date. Recognizing that your date is a real person who probably feels a lot of the same trepidation as you is one of the most important things you can do to calm your nerves.

It makes you feel less like an outlier and more comfortable with the idea of meeting up with her—after all, at least you know you’ll have at least one thing in common. Plus, shifting your focus to her nerves is a great way to keep you from obsessing about yours.

Obsessing over the things that make us nervous tends to accentuate and highlight them in our minds, which only leads to more over-thinking.

2. Compliments Show Confidence

First Date Tips for GuysThis might seem a strange confession, but I have to admit that for a long time I felt kind of uncomfortable paying people compliments.

On the surface, this doesn’t make any sense:

I know people like hearing nice things, and I want people to know when I admire something about them. But for years I found it difficult to actually spit out positive sentiments when I felt them. Maybe my discomfort owed to my (woefully misbegotten) notion that I should play it cool at all times and not reveal what I was thinking or feeling to people.

Or maybe it was just my general shyness kicking in, which often made it difficult to talk to people about anything. I’m not sure where this strange fear came from, but when I read the book How to Win Friends & Influence People in my early 20s, I became very aware of just how much it had held me back.

In a section about becoming a friendlier person, author Dale Carnegie implores the reader to “give honest, sincere appreciation,” explaining: “Nothing else so inspires and heartens people as words of appreciation. You and I may soon forget the words of encouragement and appreciation that we utter now, but the person to whom we have spoken them may treasure them and repeat them to themselves over a lifetime.”

3.Don’t Defer the Date Planning

This is a mistake a lot of guys make when they first start gaining traction on a dating app, and it’s an understandable one. After all, you want your date to think you’re nice, agreeable and kind, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The mistake is in going too far to demonstrate those traits, which often results in guys bending over backwards to avoid making any date-related decision unless they’ve solicited her full and robust feedback. This manifests itself most often before the date has even begun. Once the date is agreed upon, someone has to pick a time, place and activity. It’s tempting to think that you should consult closely with her on this in order to choose the exact right place or activity that she’s going to enjoy.

But remember, you don’t know much about her yet, and teasing this information out before you’ve even gone on a first date is often more annoying than accommodating.

4.First Date Conversation Comes Naturally

One of the things that used to scare me most about the idea of a date was not just the fear of being rejected and failing to get the date in the first place.

(Though there was certainly a time when that fear was basically crippling).

Instead, what scared me most was trying to figure out what the hell we would talk about if she actually said yes. I used to be insecure about my conversation skills and terrified of awkward silences, and consequently terrible at making small talk with new people.

So the prospect of talking directly to a beautiful woman for hours on end, in real life no less, was among the most intimidating propositions I could imagine. But looking back on it now with the benefit of hindsight, I realize just how misplaced (and utterly unnecessary) that fear actually was.

5.Ask Open-Ended Questions

If you don’t think that an animated eight-year-old has anything to teach you about dating, then you, my friend, have not seen enough classic episodes of The Simpsons. Way back in a 1993 episode called “I Love Lisa” (sidebar: holy shit this tv show is old), Ralph Wiggum pursues Lisa Simpson after Lisa gives him a Valentine’s Day card out of kindness.

Ralph finally gets what he wants when Lisa agrees to go out with him, but he’s not the most charismatic guy. So when the date begins, Ralph finds himself tongue tied — and makes a classic conversational mistake, asking: